and maybe i’m too blind to see, the line was always crossed in me

a ramble on my favourite kink

Warnings for humiliation, consensual abuse, and other triggering shit

So for a really long time, I had a HARD HARD limit on degradation and humiliation. Because like. I already thought horrible, horrible things about myself, so if someone I loved said it to me in a scene… Fuck. I would be RUINED.

But then, I got this Dom. And… we connected differently. And it was long-distance.

And he loved to rip me apart, consensually.

I remember sitting there at my desk, almost in tears, and yet it was one of the safest things I’ve ever felt.

And then, we did a really hard degradation scene over the phone. He said every cruel thing I have ever said about myself. And my mind just sighed happily and said “YES. SOMEONE FINALLY GETS IT.”

Because whenever I am praised, I feel this bitter fight against the person. I feel like they’re lying to me. I feel like I am not worthy of that praise, no matter how badly I’ve suffered. I never feel like I’ve suffered enough. I often don’t even feel worth of aftercare, but yes, I have come to accept it.

But when someone degrades me, it puts me in an pain that nothing else can. And when I’m in that pain, my mind is finally clear.

And sometimes, my mind screams back at the Degrader, and says “No, fuck you, I AM worthy, FUCK YOU” and that’s super cool.

And sometimes, my mind is quiet, and so accepting. “Yes, this person is telling me the truth, they’re telling me things I already knew about myself” and it becomes sweet and pliant and so happy. ……And then, when the Degrader starts to say nice things… it accepts it. My mind accepts it, and it’s the only time my mind accepts those nice things. Because I’m in an altered state of consciousness, and everything is so soft and Honest.

Annnnnd yeah. That’s why my favourite kink is actually the one nearly everyone shies away from. It’s the “break me down, really hard, tell me I’m worthless, and nobody wants me and nobody loves me” because then… that’s when I feel truly loved.

Cw: eating disorder stuff

So I’m a little nervous about my ED coming back. I’ve been slowly but surely losing weight, and eating two meals a day, but they’re not great quality food.

And I’m not even in the healthy weight range yet, but fuck, it all feels so good. Not in the “yay I’m getting healthy go me” way, but in the sick, fucked up “must be skinny, must be good enough, maybe people will like me, let’s see how skinny I can get, let’s see how far I can go” way.

And I’m about to start another medical diet. And I still will be overweight. And so it won’t matter technically.

But it just feels like this wicked, self destructive headrush, and I’ve missed it so badly. I like it. I hate it because I know how nice it feels.

I probably won’t get too far. I always get better. I always quit before I get too sick.

But God. I have missed it.

I’ve talked to Simon about it. Just as a sign post that these thoughts are back. Because if in three months when he sees me, I cry over yoghurt like I used to, he’ll know when they started sinking back in.

I’m scared to talk to my psych about it. Because I don’t want to stop.

My dear, sweet, lovely friend expressed concern over my medical diet. Asked if it was a control thing.

My eating disorder was never a control thing. It was always a self punishment. I don’t even know what I’m punishing myself for.