Tag: personal

Perspectives

So I went back and looked at some comments on my old fics and someone commented about how she loved that I wrote only the one characters perspective.

And that’ something I feel really strongly about. We all have things we love.

I LOVE writing from just one perspective. I feel it makes every narrator unreliable, because they will always see the world through their own experiences, perceptions and beliefs. Like, if a character is used to seeing betrayal, they’ll always see things through that lens. And I think it makes for really effective suspense building, and tension. 

Because we don’t KNOW what the other characters are thinking, what their motivations are. We only have our one perspective, which is how life is. Unless someone tells us their thoughts, we only have ourselves. If that makes sense.

But thing is, I’m working on an original fic and it’s REALLY hard to write just the one perspective… And I WANT to write the other perspective… BUT it doesn’t work with my overall narrative structure.

Anyway. Just some writing ramblings.

Saw my Psych today, which was good but exhausting in ways.

word vomit under the cut

I talked about my body issues a bit, and nearly cried. I talked about my fears with Simon. About getting accepted into college. About how my IUD might be causing me serious harm.

He was on board with me getting back to more natural stuff. Like, not in a him pushing it way, but how I’m slowly but surely getting rid of all the hormone and medication crap interfering with me. I’m PRETTY switched on about what is fucking with me. Like… generally I can tell when something is fucking with me, and what it is. And like, for example, ain’t NO WAY I am coming off my Seroquel. The changes that shit has made to me are AMAZING and I’m not even close to ready to come off it. 

I talked about my panic and how I worry I might have PMDD because of how bad my PMS is getting. And he said I really do have to sit with the feelings but like UGH. I’m scared of what feelings might come out of it yanno?

I think my fear is, as always, that I’ll realise I want to leave Simon, or that I should. And whilst some would argue “Hey, Hannah, if you’re so scared to explore those feelings, it’s probably a sign that you SHOULD leave Simon” every time I have sat and explored the feelings more I’ve realised, actually, I want to stay with Simon and that our story is far from over.

I mean, I get weird feelings. Like… I think we’ll get married. I suspect around the time I finish my PhD he’ll change his mind about kids and I’ll be a bit pissed off because I’m FINALLY ready to start my career. And I have this weird sinking feeling he’ll die at around 40. And like, I tend to get oddly specific feelings like that. 

But every time I sit properly and explore my Simon stuff, the realisation that I have at the end of it all… is that I gotta do this. That I want to do this. That I can’t see my life here in Australia beyond August. That the only things keeping me here are an amazing GP, and two friends. Like, that’s no reason to stay. And like, I would still want to go even if Simon and I broke up. Because I made these plans for me. But they happen to be Simon-compatible, not Simon-centric. I sat with myself and thought about what Hannah wanted, and she really wants to do her Masters in Sociology in Texas, yanno? 

And like. Even when I look at the more spiritual aspects of myself, they all point to him for now too. This is what I want.

And ha! The funniest thing? The psych says he thinks I’ll be the stability in Simon’s life. ME. STABLE. 

But I talked to a friend yesterday about living your truth, and I didn’t know what mine was. I felt sad. But I know some truths: research; writing; psychology/sociology; kink in obscure ways; constant change. These are elements of me that remain when everything else changes. And I’m excited that I’m finally starting to live more of my truth. Not all of it, but definitely more than it has ever been. 

I’m scared of Simon’s drinking… I’m scared of what that means for the future… but it’s not for me to tackle. And he’s certainly not ready for it. 

I think we both have this issue where we compare ourselves to people wayyyyy beyond us. Like, people who are nearly 40, or older. And we both go “Damn it, I’m not where they are; I’m a fucking failure” – forgetting that we’re both 27, and they weren’t as good as they were when they were 27. Obviously.

And like. I also fear sharing my victories. And I worry… about my friends… feeling inadequate. Like, I’m going off and doing cool things and am hoping to be a researcher and a writer, and I get scared sharing my victories because I know many of them aren’t in good places, and whilst they’re happy for me, they’re envious. And so… I am slowly shrinking more and more into myself because I feel so silenced, like nobody can or wants to hear anything I have to say.

Because let’s be real, 80% of it’s bullshit. But I swear, there is some value to me… 

IDK. BLAH. BLAH I SAY. I really did just need a word vomit. I used to word vomit several times a day and it was the best thing for me. But… Even here… Even on my safe Tumblr space… I don’t feel safe. 

Method writing

Some actors method act.

When I write, I method act.

I like to do as much of the stuff I do to my characters, to myself. Which can sometimes be problematic. But is also a good time.

…….. Work is boring as fuck but busy as fuck today

Tmi: buttsex

But real talk.

Do you know how hard it is to write lots of butt sex scenes when you have regular anal??? And know all the complexities and problems and stuff that goes with it???

Like. I don’t wanna write realistic anal scenes! Realistic sex scenes in general…. Or how hard it is to hold certain positions.

Ugh.

Improvements

So yesterday I went to the doctor to get my new Mental Health Care Plan cause for the first part of the year I was on the chronic health care plan.

And we filled in the K10 (which is a not-great indicator but hey, it’s better than nothing) and my score was fucking 24 out of 50.

And like. I never thought I’d see such a low number. I can’t recall my previous numbers, just that they were high 30s or low 40s.

And that’s pretty darn swell.

I’m worrying about minor shit, like a total lack of libido, rather than whether I’m going to survive the next week. Around my period, I get extremely unwell, but the rest of the month I’m okay. Like, anxiety rules my life, but that’s mostly about legit things, like how to get the money for grad school and how I’ll cope living overseas. Normal people things.

Fuck. It’s nice. I’m not always good. I feel my eating problems coming back. But. I’m not terrible right now which is super duper.

Um. I think I got into grad school 😱

I haven’t received an email yet.

But I had the funniest feeling this morning I should check my application.

And I’ve been admitted.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Wow.

I wonder if they send an official email. There was a letter attached.

Fuck me. I might finally get to fulfil my dreams of being a researcher 😭

i’ve never been this bare

Hooooo.

Saw bare the musical tonight. It’s been one of my favourites since I was… 16? 17? And I’m 27 now. I wrote essays on this musical in like, all my classes. I wrote songs based on this musical. 

It was so amazing to finally see the musical that I’ve been obsessively playing on and off for years. Like, I’d obsess for years… then have a break.. then obsess again. And ahhhhh.

I thought I’d be able to hold off tears, but nahhhhh, there were tears.

This month has been a little bit regressive. I’ve rewatched shows from my teenage years, read my favourite books from my teen years… And it’s been oddly healing. And inspiring. I’m remembering my original inspirations, and it just… feels good, when everything else hurts. 

And yep. It seems I do struggle.

I want to have a voice. Not of anything of value. But just to be heard. Somehow.

I used to blog on fetlife… But I struggle to do that now because… I come across as mentally unstable, but really, I’m just talking about lessons and my life is happy most of the time and that’s not interesting to write about. And I don’t want to seem unstable to people I want to play and do edgeplay with. Cause like, I’m NOT unstable. I just write in really dark, emotive ways. 

And I can’t do it on Instagram because it feels too exposed. Same with FB. I wish I could. Maybe I should make a second acct? Idk. But it doesn’t feel like a safespace

And sure I have this Tumblr. But I miss having hundreds of followers who give a shit 😂

And what I need to do is curate content. Butttt I’m focusing on original stuff that I can’t post. So fan content, or rope content or whatever… Ehhh.

I just miss having a rambly voice and feeling heard. I used to feel heard. Now I feel really alone.