Tag: personal

so. I wanna post my HTP fic that I wrote… because… IDK, I am weirdly proud of it.

But I am also SO ASHAMED because it’s pretty heavy stuff (for me) and I don’t want people to know it’s me. Or more importantly, I’m scared of the judgement I will get for it.

And like, I typically don’t write heavy shit like that. And I don’t want people to not read any more of my stuff because they’re like “aw shit, she wrote that horrible thing” because… that’s a thing I inadvertently do. 

IDK. *hums and haws*

HANNAH. GET OFF TUMBLR AND GO WRITE. 

do you ever find a new tumblr, and you like, like, 98% of their posts, and have to physically restrain yourself from liking/reblogging every post because otherwise you’d be a creep?

yes, yes, i am here for all the quality content

Tick, tick, tick

  • Visa interview booked. 
  • Flights booked. 
  • Paid SEVIS
  • Paid I-190
  • Paid for… some document to be shipped from the uni
  • Old thesis supervisor contacted about organising publications of my old thesis
  • Flights were booked months ago ‘cause I was planning on just going on holiday and then applied to uni instead and don’t wanna cancel them

This is turning into an EXPENSIVE AF process. 

Turns out I don’t need a medical for this kind of visa! Fuck yessss

Gotta organise:

  • Printing all relevant paperwork and putting it in a nice little folder for interview
  • Tax return
  • Paying off ze credit card
  • Haircut
  • Botox??? If I can afford… 
  • Dentist appointment
  • Pap smear
  • Full copy of my medical records
  • Look into the appropriate health insurance I’ll need overseas
  • Internet cancellation
  • Electricity and water cancellation
  • Health insurance cancellation
  • Hotel in Sydney
  • Moving stuff out of my apartment
  • Bond cleaner
  • Goodbye drinks with my high-school friends
  • Goodbye drinks with my non-high-school friends

I am le tired, just looking at that list…

Also, I want to watch Gifted, because Chris Evans being a Good Uncle/Father Figure is amazing, but I am working on my fics and as soon as I watch something new, I’ll get distracted and want all the Stucky!Parent fics… 

THIS HAS BEEN A POST. I AM KIND OF OVERWHELMED. 

the ramblings of a hippy, on my psych stuff

So another day with the psych. And this ended up being really, really productive.

Last year I saw an astrologer and she told me my relationship would be fine, but to go forth with a sense of detachment. Everywhere I turn, the universe tells me that things will be okay with Simon and I.

So why is it that I panic so much?

And I realised a few things today. Firstly, I’m not scared of losing him – I know I’ll be okay. It’ll SUCK a LOT. But I’ll be okay. What I AM scared of is things happening like they did with Tom – I kind of feel like I woke up one day and realised… I didn’t want to be with Tom anymore. And I’m giving up and doing SO MUCH for Simon, and I’m terrified that halfway through, I’ll just… wake up and realise I don’t love him anymore. 

The other is… I’ve always been an emotional person. I am, at my core, about emotionality. Things need to make sense to me both rationally and emotionally, but the emotion matters more. I’ve made poorly controlled emotional decisions, and those have been bad (eg, suicide attempts). But I’ve never made a controlled emotional decision that has gone badly. Or if I have, I can’t recall it, so it can’t have been that disastrous. 

And through talking with him, I’m starting to think a lot of my anxiety comes when I try to rationalise, and remove emotion from things. Because for me, emotion is important. I have to feel it for it to be right. And when I try to rationalise something that isn’t right for me, I experience anxiety. Or that’s part of the picture.

And what I need to do is… learn to bring my emotions back into it, and recognise that this isn’t a bad thing. Rationality is important, but I need to learn that it’s okay to make decisions baed on emotion, because at the end of the day, that’s a core characteristic to my being. 

And the thing is, when I try to really rationalise, I often spend hours in a loop of anxiety. But when I sink into that feeling and evaluate on an emotional level, I feel more calmness and clarity. 

And Simon? Simon right now feels emotionally… right. There is some unsurety but when I sink into it, this little voice tells me it’ll be okay.

I feel like the universe keeps telling me in all its ways that it’ll be okay. Astrologers, tea leaf readings, kinesiologists, even chemical journeys… All of them lead to continuing this path.

But the bit I really loved was the last 15mins of the session. He said he was an Intuitive, and he doesn’t think I’ll be over there just 2 years. He doesn’t think I’ll get my paper and come home. He says Arizona will be my home for a while… And that I’ll make some magical changes… And that also fits with what… well, all the other universal signs are saying. 

I told him I had a tiny bit of Intuitive stuff… And he said I have a lot but I’ve been repressing it for years. 

And IDK all that just made me feel so much happier. Someone… seeing me.

I feel weepy and happy.

I bought myself a Kindle Oasis 2017 today, and I’m HYPED AS FUCK.

Hopefully it arrives tomorrow. I’ll be home all but 1hr tomorrow and I betcha it’ll arrive then. 

But FUCKKK. I really hope I love it. Think of all the fanfiction I can read without straining my eyes! Having an enormous library of all my favourite fics! Holy shit, I’m just so excited.

On comments

So. A few years back, I used to post on Ao3 a bit. And I still get comments on my stuff to this day.

And like. It never occurred to me to reply. Like, it felt like going over and over again “thank you”. And years later, I realise… Dude, you’re an idiot. These people took the time to comment and you didn’t even reply thank you? And some had questions, and you could have answered them!!! 

And basically I feel like a giant piece of shit. I guess… It didn’t make sense to me then.

And even though some of those comments were 4 or 5 years ago, I wanna reply to them… Because I did appreciate them.

And like, sure, there are excuses for not replying then… Like I was doing my thesis, moving states, breaking up with my long term partner, extremely sick… But that was then. Why not months later? And I was still churning out fics, so I SHOULD have replied.

And yeah. This is really bothering me. On the pro side, I am now going to a lot of effort to comment on all the fics I enjoyed, no matter how old they are, because it still makes my heart sing when I get new comments on my fics, no matter how old… 

I’d always just left Kudos. And I realise I need to support FF writers more. So. That’s what I’m doing.

Anyway. This has been a post. 

weight stuff

So I’m down 19kg since the start of the year.

And like, I feel good. I wanna push it further. I’m a size 14 still and would love to be a size 10. 

But my hips are starting to poke out. And my ribs. I’m not even large-framed. 

And like. I like them. But just so aware of how my brain is going…

There is a lot of stress and anxiety at the moment. I’m just pretty much constantly afraid.