Tag: personal

And I realise that if I become a TA, I’ll likely have to remove all of ME from this blog… Because I’ll be teaching and like, if my students found this… UGH.

Also. I really, really miss being allowed to just… float in subspace. 

bunnywest:

calime33:

cameoamalthea:

thorkidumpster:

lqtraintracks:

inquisitorhotpants:

depizan:

I am really baffled by the people attacking AO3 for hosting stories that involve rape, incest, pedophilia, and other dark things. Have…have they never been to a bookstore or library? People write stories about all manner of dark, horrible things. This is not remotely new. And at least on AO3 and other fandom platforms, the dark things are generally tagged. In bookstores and libraries, not so much.

V.C. Andrews was freaking popular when I was in jr. high and high school. Her books were in the school libraries. They needed to be stamped with trigger warning: EVERYTHING, but mainly things from the fun list of rape, incest, pedophilia, and child abuse. Her books are still sufficiently popular that there are new ones coming out despite the fact that she’s been dead for years!

Her books are in the library I work at. Her books are in most bookstores. Her books are probably still in the libraries of the jr high and high school I went to. Does that mean anywhere that has her books supports rape, incest, pedophilia, and child abuse?

That’s not how it works. Yes, there are occasionally things that a store or library will decide they don’t want to carry, no matter what. The first bookstore I worked at wouldn’t even special order The Turner Diaries. A lot of bookstores won’t even special order The Anarchist Cookbook. I’m sure there are other books out there that people are reluctant to touch, even with a ten foot pole. But, barring those few exceptions, most bookstores and libraries are not in the business of policing the content of the books they deal in.

Not because booksellers and librarians are all monsters who should be reported to the FBI, but because there’s a long history of censorship going very bad places very fast. Also, free speech is considered an American value. Hell, let me just link to the ALA page on censorship.

I don’t pretend to know why stuff like V.C. Andrews’ books, or the fics on AO3 that some people want to report to the FBI, are popular. I don’t get it. It doesn’t appeal to me. Yet I recognize that different dark things are in kinds of fiction that I do like – violence, murder, torture, war, other things that most of us really fervantly hope never to experience in our lives. I don’t know whether fiction is an outlet for whatever darkness lurks in everyone’s hearts, whether it’s a way of dealing with our fear of bad things happening, whether human culture just finds bad things fascinating, or what. Maybe humanity is just super fucked up and Pluto really is a warning buoy telling other civilizations not to go near the planet with the creepy mammal infestation on it.

But I don’t think going after fic platforms because some of the fic hosted there is disturbing is a solution to anything. (And if the people doing so are not also on an equivalent campaign against bookstores and libraries, I suspect that what’s going on is not what they claim is going on.)

VC Andrews was ABSOLUTELY the first thing I thought of when I started hearing about this, because hoooooo my god. And I definitely remember being able to get my hands on those at a young age.

There’s plenty of shit I don’t want to read on AO3. Luckily, that stuff – or at least most of it! – is TAGGED, so I don’t have to. That’s the ENTIRE POINT. It’s not breaking a law, and you are not being forced to read it.

Fandom purity politics are fucking tiring.

“Have…have they never been to a bookstore or library?”

This!!!

I work in a library. Specifically, I work in the children’s section. Obviously, that’s where we keep age appropriate books.

But nothing is stopping those children from wandering around the library and reading a graphic book. Nothing but their parents, that is, but let me tell you, people treat the library like daycare. 

It’s not my job to watch over those children and hold their hand. It’s not my responsibility, nor do I want it to be, either in person or online.

You make your own fandom experience. At least fanfiction is tagged.

I worked at a book store. A kid wanted to read Steven King’s “It”. That book has abuse and sex and sex between children and isn’t appropriate for 13 year olds.

That’s not my call to make since it wasn’t my kid, but I did ask the parent if they’d read the book and when they said they hadn’t I did take the parent aside and let them know there is adult content. The parent then decided they weren’t comfortable getting them that book, so I suggested other Steven King books that are less graphic and more age appropriate for a kid that wants to read adult horror (Carrie, Pet Cemetery) and the Meddling Kids which has a similar plot like to “IT” (people who dealt with a monster as children return home as adults to deal with monsters again) but is more grown up Scooby Doo level stuff.

(Seriously, someone needs to write a YA horror series because kids need something between RL Stine and Steven King).

So the kid got three books instead of one big one, and still got what they were looking fo and I felt good about it but you know what – most book sellers would have probably just sold the book since the job is to make sales. And no library would have stopped a kid from checking “It” out.

But just because “It” is not for children doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be available for anyone. Because after the movie came out my store sold out of “It” for awhile and I had a man come in who bought that last copy in the store. He told me he’d never been in a bookstore before and he hadn’t read a book since he was forced to read books for school as kid.

So many adults just stop reading after High School.

And here is this man who is going buy and voluntarily read a giant book (“It” is a brick and could have been split into smaller books). That’s amazing!

Books are a good thing, even if they aren’t for children or aren’t for everyone and have disturbing things, people enjoying books doesn’t hurt anyone.

And if people are reading stories online instead of books, hey they’re still reading!

Using your brain faculties to analyse what yu read – or do not read and do not want to read – is a thing! Reading something does not equal either supporting that hting, wanting to experience the thing, wanting someone esle to experience the thing. We read – and write – a lot of things for a lot of different reasons that are not in an one-to-one correlation with reality. This is why it is called FICTION. A few facets and purposes of fiction is to allow or make you to think or experience emotions – also those that you might never encounter in reality, or analyse concepts that are safer to analyse in fiction. Dammit, why is it so hard to understand? Why does every generation get their own stupid Fahrenheit 451 zombie acolytes of ‘purity’?

reblogging for
“Fahrenheit 451 zombie acolytes of ‘purity’”

Weird story but. When I was a kid my Mom used to pre-read a lot of books for me and then sticky tape shut anything that was anti-God and contained shit like kissing. I mean, sure, I was under 10, but. Still. 

I was a voracious reader. And she gave me a VC Andrews book when I was 10 because I’d read everything in the house and most of the school library. So she gave it to me, thinking “Heaven must be about GOD”. 

….IT WAS FUCKING NOT.

I remember reading the gory detail of Kitty killing that poor little hamster (or guinea pig – don’t remember that) and it’s babies. It was HORRIFIC. 

And then… she only wanted me to read educational books… So at about 8, she gave me these books called Eyewitness Classics. And in the columns of these famous stories, they contained facts. So I had Dracula, Robin Hood, Hunchback of Notre Dame, and Black Beauty. IT WAS GORY AS SHIT. They discussed medieval torture, and horrible things they did to animals and just… horrific shit.

and yeah, okay, turns out I loved medieval torture and that was the beginning of my kink self… 

IDK just whenever I read shit like the above I’m reminded of my Mom… 

What a fucking shitshow.

So I got to have my first panic attack in two years today over everything. 

I woke up to some really horrible stuff. And it just kept pouring in all day.

I’m okay. I had some love and support from friends. But a few key people haven’t reached out which is heart wrenching. But I press on. 

But seriously. I have dealt with SO MUCH BULLSHIT from people in the last day. It’s been horrific. And tbh, I’ve had more support than bullshit, but it’s hard to see past it.

I feel entirely invalidated… Even though everyone is doing their best. Just. FFS.

I’m exhausted. So exhausted. 

So I’m ordering Nando’s and curling up to watch Political Animals because I need to research ❤

there is no limit to happiness

So my psych said something really helpful to me this weekend. 

I told him that after I have a few good days, I feel bad for a day or so. Like I’ve used up all the happy hormones in my brain, and I have to take a day or two to replenish them. 

And he pointed out that, like love, happiness is not a finite resource. We don’t have to “replenish” our ability to be happy. But if I go into life thinking “okay, that’s enough happy, I guess it’s a sad day now” then I will always be like that.

It’s only been a few days but overall… it’s working. When I start to feel sad, I start to think “bugger, I’ve used up my happiness for the next few days” and like. That’s not it at all. Just not. And it’s helped me pick up again. 

So that’s a cool new trick if I can keep it up. 

I need to stop being rec’d fics. I have an insane amount on my To-Read list. And a bunch I need to re-read at least twice.

I am positively overwhelmed by how much the Stucky fandom produces and I AM HERE FOR IT.

Good news, bitches, I might be spending a day in Hawaii because plans keep fucking changing omg.

Mental health stuff below the cut, but it’s not bad. But I like to trigger warn anyway. 

I also had my last in-person session with my psych because he’s about to go on holidays for two months, and then I’ll be gone. We’ll continue doing sessions via Skype, which I’m delighted at.

And high key, super sad I didn’t know he was also into hippy wank until our second last session.

He’s been my longest psych, and my second longest therapeutic relationship. I used to only last six or seven sessions with a psych because I’d be “better”. And then I’d relapse after six months, and take another six months to convince myself to get a new psych. And this time, I’d decided to KEEP going to the psych, even when I felt better. And SHOCKER I haven’t had a major relapse since. 

I had a small one, last year, because we fucked with my meds and TURNS OUT when you don’t sleep for a month, yeah, you’re gonna have issues.

Anyway. Point is. I was really sad to say goodbye and am really grateful he’s willing to see me via Skype. I’m hoping to still see him once a month when I move, because he’s a Good One. 

And he gave me a crystal for my journey, and he even gave me a hug. And I started crying in reception after because I really, really appreciated him.

And yesterday was my second last appointment at my skin/laser clinic, and I also felt super sad because like, when you see someone at least once a month for two years, you develop a weird kind of friendship, and you care about them. And so it’s a bit sad.

But like.

I’m a hippy wanker by nature. And my favourite beauty technician is actually leaving that salon this month. My boss is leaving my team. Like, all the little things that were making me sad to leave are slowly disappearing ANYWAY and me being me, I go “The UNIVERSE IS MAKING THIS EASIER FOR ME TO SAY GOODBYE”.

Dear Universe, please don’t hurt my family, or I will be ANGRY. And I won’t leave if anything happens to my family.

Anyway. Things are slowly falling into place, and it’s nice even if it is a bit sad. I’ll be fine. It’s all a good thing. But goodbyes are never easy, even when they’re happy and positive.