Tag: personal

Ahhhh I’m just so in love with my course. ❤ ❤ ❤

I definitely feel like I’ve chosen a great school for me at this point in my life. I think if I were at a fancier school, I’d hate it. I’m really in love with the people and the place, and what I’m achieving. I love the small program.

I’m less in love with the lack of brain space, but that’s okay.

I took A National Icon down and hopefully can fix it up and post it again at Christmas :))))))

Oh no, my queue ran out!

And I don’t have time to fill it with glorious things because SCHOOL. 

On the pro side, school is going well. I have a new nice doctor, and new psychologist, and things with Simon are great. I’m exercising regularly, but my eating is bad.

I keep meaning to write, but I keep getting so sleepy. 

But like. Shit is good. My grades are improving (not that they were bad – but I did have a big learning curve in the first few weeks). I’m even considering going back to yoga 🙂

I think I’ll take down A National Icon until I can finish it but… Lemme ponder that. 

Simon’s family are so lovely.

The bureaucracy involved in moving to another country is NOT. It’s not just the USA – I know for a fact Australia is just as much a PITA. 

So I go to uni to get some paperwork sorted. Nope, can’t do half of it because I need a SSN. Not a big deal and not hard to get but it delays me another 3 weeks. RAWR. So I might also miss the first pay cycle if I don’t get things back fast enough. I’m doing the right things and getting onto everything ASAP but UGH SOOOO ANNOYING. 

Also, THE FOOD HERE IS TOO GOOD AND IT’S CAUSING ME ANXIETY.

Anyway. Aside from that, I’m 90% good. I had a big bout of homesickness today. I skyped my family yesterday and saw my cat but she was more interested in her food. It’s chill, I didn’t like you anyway *sniffs*

So yeah. Busy times. I’ve barely written all week BLEGH. Major block. Major. But I’m super tired sooooo. Yeah. 

In which I have crises of faith about my writing

So like, things are GOOD but also, FUCK.

I’m around all these really cool people who do REALLY cool and creative, fascinating things with their writing. And do it super well.

Like one person gives enough detail that there is detail, but isn’t weighed down in detail and verbosity. One person does THIRD DRAFTS on their writing. 

I was in a conversation today and I don’t even have a solid grasp of English, it feels.

And it’s just unsettling because I’m used to being the best writer in the room. Usually ‘cause I’m the ONLY writer in the room. And I’m used to having a relatively solid grasp of things… And I do, but then I see these people who are just… so GOOD at it. And I feel like a kid with a shitty drawing, and they’re like, fucking Da Vinci and Van Gogh. 

Much of it is practice. Much of it is about what matters. Some of it is age. Some of it is time. Some of them are literally professional writers, or professional editors. 

Like, for me, I don’t do re-writes. But perhaps I should.

I don’t write the whole story and then post it; I post it when I’m about halfway though. And maybe I should wait? 

Some of these people are taking their craft and their hobby seriously, and maybe I ought to. I know it’s for fun but it can be fun AND be taken seriously. 

I just feel all this internal crisis because I’ve had to question everything I know about kink lately. And everything I know about language.

And it’s all learning. Up until three years ago I didn’t know that you could end a quotation with a full stop. I thought it ALWAYS had to end with a comma or question mark etc. I was never taught you can end it with a full stop. Until my beta three years ago pointed it out. 

In my current writing I’m learning how to decrease my abuse of commas which is awesome. I apparently put them where I would pause when I speak; but it makes for clunky reading. 

Anyway. Point is… I bet those writers I really look up to don’t freeform write and then post without a proper beta read. They probably do a rewrite or two. And that’s why they are AMAZING. They probably have a clearer understanding of their characters and the things they want to say.

I kind of feel like a kid with ADHD and a bunch of thinky thoughts and just write write write and pray that what comes out isn’t shit.

Anyway. Just. Feeling crappy about my writing but at least I have some ideas on how to improve things.

Today I found out a friend is in the psychiatric ward of a hospital and as I was talking to another friend, we were both saying how sad it was. And I literally said “Fuck, this is so sad”…

And the first thing my brain said was “this is so sad alexa play despacito”.

LIKE WTF BRAiN ThNKS fOR NOTHhiNG.

[[[As for whether my friend will be okay… No idea.]]]

Boyfriend gets points.

He’s not using scented detergent between now and when I get there because sometimes I get overstimulated and if he has any strong smells on him, I can’t cuddle him. Also just strong scents distress me.

And I just teared up thinking of how he’s doing that. Like. He’s so sweet. That’s just… The sweetest.

Another thing I gotta realise is I don’t need a strong justification for everything I do.

Like, I wanna write a Bucky-getting-drowned-by-Steve kink thing. And I’m trying to come up with all this intense background and reasoning. And like, it’s GOOD. But sometimes I can just write porn for the sake of porn, ya feel?

Things That Make Me Happy Meme

Ooh. 5 things that make me happy, as tagged by @mmjgregory

1. Writing – I feel the least me when I’m not writing. Coming back to writing after 4 years off feels like coming home.
2. Rope/Shibari/Kinbaku – I never expected this to be something that gives me so much happiness. I can do without a lot of kink, and hell, I can do without rope too… I’m just… infinitely less happy and whole without it.
3. My human
4. Money lol. Money does make me happy
5. Fandom – I cannot begin to express how much of a difference fandom makes to my overall life experience.