Tag: kink

lisamott9:

“Now it’s time for me to have a little fun Stevie… no touching…” Bucky’s voice was husky and full of heat, he was beyond turned on at having Steve completely at his mercy when usually he was the one playing the submissive role. He could feel the blood pulsing through every single vein as he bit his bottom lip in anticipation.
Oh, he was definitely going to have fun tonight.

This one is for @greyelfsworld who suggested the prompt, the reversal of one of my previous drawings 😈 enjoy some more kink people!

we are the things that we do for fun – Nonymos – Multifandom [Archive of Our Own]

THIS FIC IS SO DAMN GOOD THAT I CANNOT WITH IT

I JUST NEED ALL OF IT FOREVER WITH LIKE 100 SIDE STORIES. MORE MORE MORE.

Also, I found it a startlingly accurate portrayal of BDSM. I loved the tatami mats, the freak outs, the doing it for the pain… Just. My ONLY complaint about this entire thing was that there wasn’t another 150 000 words of it.

Actually, there was one tiny complaint, but then it was answered later in the story. SO NO COMPLAINTS.

12 outta 5 stars

we are the things that we do for fun – Nonymos – Multifandom [Archive of Our Own]

a ramble on my favourite kink

Warnings for humiliation, consensual abuse, and other triggering shit

So for a really long time, I had a HARD HARD limit on degradation and humiliation. Because like. I already thought horrible, horrible things about myself, so if someone I loved said it to me in a scene… Fuck. I would be RUINED. 

But then, I got this Dom. And… we connected differently. And it was long-distance. 

And he loved to rip me apart, consensually.

I remember sitting there at my desk, almost in tears, and yet it was one of the safest things I’ve ever felt.

And then, we did a really hard degradation scene over the phone. He said every cruel thing I have ever said about myself. And my mind just sighed happily and said “YES. SOMEONE FINALLY GETS IT.”

Because whenever I am praised, I feel this bitter fight against the person. I feel like they’re lying to me. I feel like I am not worthy of that praise, no matter how badly I’ve suffered. I never feel like I’ve suffered enough. I often don’t even feel worth of aftercare, but yes, I have come to accept it. 

But when someone degrades me, it puts me in an pain that nothing else can. And when I’m in that pain, my mind is finally clear. 

And sometimes, my mind screams back at the Degrader, and says “No, fuck you, I AM worthy, FUCK YOU” and that’s super cool.

And sometimes, my mind is quiet, and so accepting. “Yes, this person is telling me the truth, they’re telling me things I already knew about myself” and it becomes sweet and pliant and so happy. ……And then, when the Degrader starts to say nice things… it accepts it. My mind accepts it, and it’s the only time my mind accepts those nice things. Because I’m in an altered state of consciousness, and everything is so soft and Honest.

Annnnnd yeah. That’s why my favourite kink is actually the one nearly everyone shies away from. It’s the “break me down, really hard, tell me I’m worthless, and nobody wants me and nobody loves me” because then… that’s when I feel truly loved.

So it seems that I might have a sex drive. It’s just really, really hard to access. 

And again, feels a bit broken.

It seems that in order for me to experience lust and genuine arousal, my brain needs to be shut off. And that’s a hard place to be in. Because I don’t truly know what shuts the brain down. Because it’s also not about overstimulating.

But I’ve noticed heavy breathplay seems to get me there. A certain kind of pain gets me there. A certain kind of degradation gets me there.

I talked to M about this a few weeks ago, and he said “yeah, but you were aroused with me” and I had to sheepishly confess… actually… I wasn’t. I lied. I lied, because I knew it was what you wanted. 

And then I realised… I kind of… lie a lot. I give the reactions that I *think* the other person wants. Not all the time. But often enough for me to realise that this is an issue that I’ve got to work on. But am not quite sure how to work on it. 

And then I’ve realised… All the play I do… is about others. And that’s a hard, and fucked up thing to realise too. Because I bet most of those tops think they’re doing me a favour. And they’re trying to give me what *I* want. But… really, I’m just perpetually feeling guilt of others playing with me, and so I try to give them what *they* want, and is it this big endless loop where NEITHER party is getting what they want??? AND NOW I JUST FEEL LIKE THIS MONSTER WHO HAS FAILED EVERY TOP EVER BECAUSE THEY WERE TRYING TO GIVE ME WHAT I WANT AND I SOMETIMES HAVE FAKED IT TO TRY AND GIVE THEM WHAT THEY WANT. 

And this realisation came when the other night, I was trying to have sex. And instead of enjoying the sex, I was thinking “point your toes to make your legs look nice, now run your hands up his back, yes, make a breathy sound here, and bite his neck now” and after I just burst into tears because… even though I’d enjoyed it, I couldn’t shut off the brain.

I’ve talked to my psychs about this in the past. They’ve encouraged mindfulness. Told me to become aware of everything. How the sheets feel. What can I smell. What can I hear. BUT THAT’S A PROBLEM. I get overstimulated super easily, and everything smells wrong, and the feelings are wrong, and the sounds are hard. [in other news, this week we discovered that if I wear earplugs in every day life, my feelings of sensitivity just… ease. I didn’t get irritable, I didn’t feel as anxious. Just simply cutting out the basic sounds such as the aircon, my computer running the whisper of feet crossing the carpet… with all of those gone… I felt like I could breathe easier somehow]. I digress: mindfulness is the OPPOSITE of what I need. 

I need to get out of my head. 

And the thing is, I know I can. This week, through heavy choking I experienced arousal, and peace in my mind for the first time in a while. Last year when I was in Melbourne, I did three amazing rope scenes over the course of a weekend, that had me 110% in the moment, and it was so beautiful, and… 

I just feel like the more I explore my mind, my sexuality, my peace… the more broken and lost and confused I feel.