Happy Pride to all my LGBTQIA+ followers!
Note to self
Stop thinking: “I’m not talented enough to execute this concept.”
Start thinking: “I’m going to be a stronger artist when I’ve finished this piece.”This is a fixed mindset vs. a growth mindset.
Your abilities are not static, and any challenges you have, anything that turns out different from how you imagined, is not evidence of failure, just a struggle towards improvement.
This made me cry I needed this so bad right now. Thank you.
It was 2013, they called me and they said I had like 6 months to really try and train, and that’s kinda when we really started. For the first Winter Soldier movie, I knew I was gonna be shirtless in it, and that was like [laughs] “I just wanna look good…naked. That’s it, really, please just make me look good naked.”
Hey so I’m seeing lots of tony stans using Tony’s PTSD as an excuse for the wrongs he’s done and my cousin and I are over it. So, let me tell you a story.
My cousin, Ethan, is a former Marine, an Afghanistan combat veteran. He is the funniest damn person I ever met, can drink like no tomorrow, has a heart of gold, smart as hell, and can fix anything needing fixing.
And he has PTSD. I’m talking severe PTSD. I’m talking the kinda PTSD that makes him relapse and think he’s still in a war zone if a firecracker goes off or if someone honks their horn while driving.
He’s not supposed to drive because of it. But back in August 2017, on a Thursday night in our small town, he thought he would be able to go down to the gas station. He was sick of being controlled and just wanted the freedom of getting behind the wheel again.
Ethan had a relapse while driving and crashed his truck into a minivan. He’s not hurt, but the kid in the minivan almost died and might not walk again.
Point is, even though Ethan has PTSD, even though he didn’t deserve to get PTSD, hurting that kid is his fault. He selfishly got behind the wheel and hurt someone. His actions aren’t completely forgettable just because he has PTSD. He still hurt that kid. He still broke the law. And Ethan understands that. He has to be a mature adult and take responsibility for his actions. And he has.
Tony stans act like everything wrong tony has done post IM3 is justified because “he has PTSD” and that’s so damn backward. Yes, he has PTSD. Yes, he’s done bad things because of it. And no, he doesn’t deserve to have PTSD. No one does. But tony doesn’t take responsibility for what he does wrong, he didn’t in civil war, or in AOU, or in infinity war. It’s everyone else’s fault, it’s Steve’s, it’s the government, it’s Ross, it’s everyone else’s fault. There’s no self-accountability, none. But he judges EVERYONE ELSE (Peter, Steve, Clint, etc) for their mistakes and actions. And his stans just want to move past everything with “hurr burr he has PTSD it’s justified” like the hell it is. Having PTSD doesn’t absolve him from being a shitty human being.
Quit using PTSD as an excuse for horrible actions. Quit using a terrible, debilitating, life-ruining illness as an excuse for a fictional character’s shitty actions.
Reblogging because my friend Jordan did two tours in Iraq and has ptsd so severe he can’t answer the door or be in a vehicle. But he is emphatic that his condition is HIS problem, and no one else should deal with the consequences of his shit. So he is forward about his issues, and how to work around them (like calling before going to his house so he can meet you in the driveway and escort you to the door)
Your mental health is your business, and it’s no justification for bringing harm to others
Mental illness can explain behaviour, not excuse it.
Saw my Psych today, which was good but exhausting in ways.
word vomit under the cut
I talked about my body issues a bit, and nearly cried. I talked about my fears with Simon. About getting accepted into college. About how my IUD might be causing me serious harm.
He was on board with me getting back to more natural stuff. Like, not in a him pushing it way, but how I’m slowly but surely getting rid of all the hormone and medication crap interfering with me. I’m PRETTY switched on about what is fucking with me. Like… generally I can tell when something is fucking with me, and what it is. And like, for example, ain’t NO WAY I am coming off my Seroquel. The changes that shit has made to me are AMAZING and I’m not even close to ready to come off it.
I talked about my panic and how I worry I might have PMDD because of how bad my PMS is getting. And he said I really do have to sit with the feelings but like UGH. I’m scared of what feelings might come out of it yanno?
I think my fear is, as always, that I’ll realise I want to leave Simon, or that I should. And whilst some would argue “Hey, Hannah, if you’re so scared to explore those feelings, it’s probably a sign that you SHOULD leave Simon” every time I have sat and explored the feelings more I’ve realised, actually, I want to stay with Simon and that our story is far from over.
I mean, I get weird feelings. Like… I think we’ll get married. I suspect around the time I finish my PhD he’ll change his mind about kids and I’ll be a bit pissed off because I’m FINALLY ready to start my career. And I have this weird sinking feeling he’ll die at around 40. And like, I tend to get oddly specific feelings like that.
But every time I sit properly and explore my Simon stuff, the realisation that I have at the end of it all… is that I gotta do this. That I want to do this. That I can’t see my life here in Australia beyond August. That the only things keeping me here are an amazing GP, and two friends. Like, that’s no reason to stay. And like, I would still want to go even if Simon and I broke up. Because I made these plans for me. But they happen to be Simon-compatible, not Simon-centric. I sat with myself and thought about what Hannah wanted, and she really wants to do her Masters in Sociology in Texas, yanno?
And like. Even when I look at the more spiritual aspects of myself, they all point to him for now too. This is what I want.
And ha! The funniest thing? The psych says he thinks I’ll be the stability in Simon’s life. ME. STABLE.
But I talked to a friend yesterday about living your truth, and I didn’t know what mine was. I felt sad. But I know some truths: research; writing; psychology/sociology; kink in obscure ways; constant change. These are elements of me that remain when everything else changes. And I’m excited that I’m finally starting to live more of my truth. Not all of it, but definitely more than it has ever been.
I’m scared of Simon’s drinking… I’m scared of what that means for the future… but it’s not for me to tackle. And he’s certainly not ready for it.
I think we both have this issue where we compare ourselves to people wayyyyy beyond us. Like, people who are nearly 40, or older. And we both go “Damn it, I’m not where they are; I’m a fucking failure” – forgetting that we’re both 27, and they weren’t as good as they were when they were 27. Obviously.
And like. I also fear sharing my victories. And I worry… about my friends… feeling inadequate. Like, I’m going off and doing cool things and am hoping to be a researcher and a writer, and I get scared sharing my victories because I know many of them aren’t in good places, and whilst they’re happy for me, they’re envious. And so… I am slowly shrinking more and more into myself because I feel so silenced, like nobody can or wants to hear anything I have to say.
Because let’s be real, 80% of it’s bullshit. But I swear, there is some value to me…
IDK. BLAH. BLAH I SAY. I really did just need a word vomit. I used to word vomit several times a day and it was the best thing for me. But… Even here… Even on my safe Tumblr space… I don’t feel safe.
TOASTYSTATS: Gender representation in movies vs. movie fanworks (part 7/7)
My mega analysis is now complete! Chapter 7 contains a TL;DR summary of what we do and don’t know now, as well as some final thoughts on fandom questions & discourse about bias. Excerpts are shown above.
(The chapter also contains elaboration and notes on a number of the above slides, so if you have questions, they might be answered there.)
Huge thanks to the many people who inspired this work and/or gave feedback or encouragement! ( @fffinnagain @dendritic-trees @saathi1013 @annathecrow and any others I might be forgetting – thank you!! I also had some fantastic non-Tumblr betas who are thanked in the slides.)
I also want to thank all the people who’ve left really thoughtful and kind feedback or follow up questions on the chapters so far. The response has been lovely. And I hope some folks end up feeling inspired to gather their own data on follow up or related questions (and to share the results with the #fandom stats tag)!
Method writing
Some actors method act.
When I write, I method act.
I like to do as much of the stuff I do to my characters, to myself. Which can sometimes be problematic. But is also a good time.
…….. Work is boring as fuck but busy as fuck today
Tmi: buttsex
But real talk.
Do you know how hard it is to write lots of butt sex scenes when you have regular anal??? And know all the complexities and problems and stuff that goes with it???
Like. I don’t wanna write realistic anal scenes! Realistic sex scenes in general…. Or how hard it is to hold certain positions.
Ugh.
hannahbelleeeebackup 