So another day with the psych. And this ended up being really, really productive.
Last year I saw an astrologer and she told me my relationship would be fine, but to go forth with a sense of detachment. Everywhere I turn, the universe tells me that things will be okay with Simon and I.
So why is it that I panic so much?
And I realised a few things today. Firstly, I’m not scared of losing him – I know I’ll be okay. It’ll SUCK a LOT. But I’ll be okay. What I AM scared of is things happening like they did with Tom – I kind of feel like I woke up one day and realised… I didn’t want to be with Tom anymore. And I’m giving up and doing SO MUCH for Simon, and I’m terrified that halfway through, I’ll just… wake up and realise I don’t love him anymore.
The other is… I’ve always been an emotional person. I am, at my core, about emotionality. Things need to make sense to me both rationally and emotionally, but the emotion matters more. I’ve made poorly controlled emotional decisions, and those have been bad (eg, suicide attempts). But I’ve never made a controlled emotional decision that has gone badly. Or if I have, I can’t recall it, so it can’t have been that disastrous.
And through talking with him, I’m starting to think a lot of my anxiety comes when I try to rationalise, and remove emotion from things. Because for me, emotion is important. I have to feel it for it to be right. And when I try to rationalise something that isn’t right for me, I experience anxiety. Or that’s part of the picture.
And what I need to do is… learn to bring my emotions back into it, and recognise that this isn’t a bad thing. Rationality is important, but I need to learn that it’s okay to make decisions baed on emotion, because at the end of the day, that’s a core characteristic to my being.
And the thing is, when I try to really rationalise, I often spend hours in a loop of anxiety. But when I sink into that feeling and evaluate on an emotional level, I feel more calmness and clarity.
And Simon? Simon right now feels emotionally… right. There is some unsurety but when I sink into it, this little voice tells me it’ll be okay.
I feel like the universe keeps telling me in all its ways that it’ll be okay. Astrologers, tea leaf readings, kinesiologists, even chemical journeys… All of them lead to continuing this path.
But the bit I really loved was the last 15mins of the session. He said he was an Intuitive, and he doesn’t think I’ll be over there just 2 years. He doesn’t think I’ll get my paper and come home. He says Arizona will be my home for a while… And that I’ll make some magical changes… And that also fits with what… well, all the other universal signs are saying.
I told him I had a tiny bit of Intuitive stuff… And he said I have a lot but I’ve been repressing it for years.
And IDK all that just made me feel so much happier. Someone… seeing me.
T’challa: Perhaps you are wondering, why I have called you here today.
Bucky: *resignedly* Where’s the fight?
T’challa: Shit
dude no I just want you to explain how you talk to the love of your life
without freezing??? You’re super chill around Steve while I have to
practice for an hour before talking to Nakia???
So um is it just me or is Chris Evans only ever complimented when it comes to Cap? Like plenty of people mention him when they’re talking about Marvel, and everyone oohs and ahhs over him physically but I very rarely see people talk about how damn NICE this man is!! So, here’s a ~long overdue~ appreciation post for Mr Christoper Robert Evans💖💖 (ft adorable photo with Dodger)
• He loves Dodger so so much and literally does countdowns till he can see him again
• He is the loveliest human when with children and goes out of his way to give them the best experience ever
• Two words: Charity!! Work!! This man will not let an opportunity to help others slip past
• oh my god his twitter activity, have you seen how excited he is about space? planets? stars? I relate.
• also the earth in general if someone offered him a role as the next David Attenborough you just know he’d be set for the rest of his life
• speaking of twitter, he always makes sure to call out politicians and those who intimidate others via social media and actively supports important causes
• he is so open about his struggle with anxiety and let’s people know about it because he knows it will help others despite being a very private person
• he’s started taking work because he wants to, and he’s finally back on Broadway for Lobby Hero and he’s THRIVING
• he’s dedicated af, Before We Go? Yeah that was his directorial debut and he went above and beyond, even learning to play the trumpet for the movie (and as a brass player I can say that shit is not easy)
• I know I said he loves kids but I feel like this needs to be reiterated because have you heard him talk about his nephew??? “I don’t wike it”
• the casts he works with are so so so complimentary of him, no one has an issue with him and they adore him as much as we do
• he once sent a text to the rest of the Avengers cast that just read “assemble” because he wanted them to meet up for a night out tell me that isn’t how we’d all react if we were cast in a movie
• he unashamedly supports his fav sports teams like there’s no tomorrow and honesty that’s just so endearing
• his laugh. everyone knows it, everyone loves it. he literally cannot control himself and his face scrunches up and he falls back it’s like watching a small child having the best day of his life
• did you see him on Ellen with Elizabeth Olsen?? That boy can dance and was 100% up for the game
• he. can. tap dance.
• he has the most animated face possible and you can tell exactly how he’s feeling and it just floors me sometimes okay
• Fantastic Four may not be everyone’s fav film but you can’t fault Chris’ performance he was hilarious and honestly made me love Johnny so much
• he doesn’t take himself super seriously! not another teen movie was…. interesting but Chris went for it and as a parody it’s pretty damn good
• speaking of, What’s Your Number anyone?? He was so amazingly dorky in it and I love that film, I appreciate the fact he’s done rom coms because it just shows his range so well – he’s naturally so funny
• he was a musical theatre kid and his coworkers have told so many stories about him singing show tunes on set
• HOW COULD I FORGET the Gifted promo tour??? His interactions with McKenna were so wholesome omg
• McKenna literally said he was made of jelly beans do you hear me!!! jelly beans!!!!
• I’m sure there’s so much more but honestly my hearts so full I don’t think I can continue
So basically, conclusion is that Chris Evans is too precious for this world and we should all start talking more about how wonderful a human he is. I know I’m just as guilty for fan-girling over Cap and that shoulder-waist ratio but just never forget that the role would mean nothing if it weren’t for the type of man filling those star-spangled boots
hannahbelleeeebackup 