“Now it’s time for me to have a little fun Stevie… no touching…” Bucky’s voice was husky and full of heat, he was beyond turned on at having Steve completely at his mercy when usually he was the one playing the submissive role. He could feel the blood pulsing through every single vein as he bit his bottom lip in anticipation.
Oh, he was definitely going to have fun tonight.
This one is for @greyelfsworld who suggested the prompt, the reversal of one of my previous drawings 😈 enjoy some more kink people!
I’m on the verge of serious burn out but I cannot rest for another few days.
I’ve been so very focused on Steve’s reactions to Bucky during the “do you remember me?” exchange, that it’s taken me a while to hone in on Bucky’s reactions to Steve. I hope I’m not committing a faux-pas here by using tumblr’s add-a-gif function for meta/weepy rambling, but LOOK AT THIS:
LOOK AT IT AGAIN. AND AGAIN. AND AGAIN.
The play of emotions across Bucky’s face, just, holy shit – it’s subtle, but it’s everything. He starts out defensive, eyes cast down, mouth tight, hunched in on himself. Yeah, he’s trapped, but he’s also bracing himself. This is a man who’s imagined what seeing Steve again might be like, who has played this moment out over and over again in his head – where he’s been rejected every time.
And then Steve starts talking – doesn’t just say his name, but calls him Buck, with all that warmth and affection. Bucky looks up. His eyes shine; his mouth softens. He’s playing his cards close to his chest, but look at the barely-concealed wonder there. Of all the ways he’s imagined Steve reacting to him – complete and utter acceptance definitely wasn’t one. When you feel ashamed of something – which Bucky, if he’s anything like his comic book counterpart, really, really does – you project that onto the people you love. You picture them hating you for what you’ve done.
I’ve already rambled at length about Bucky’s response to Steve’s question, but I think this might be one of the reasons that Bucky answers in such an intimate way, why he doesn’t just say, “I remember you,” but shows Steve his memories, with that old smirk across his face, like he’s back in that crisp uniform, asking Steve to come out with him for the night. I think this might be one of the reasons that Bucky didn’t want to be found, all that time that Steve was searching.
Bucky never expected Steve to look at him with all that tenderness, to treat him like someone good – he didn’t expect Steve’s love to stay through everything. So yeah, maybe Bucky’s showing off, but it’s because if Steve still thinks he’s worth this, after everything – he’s got to prove Steve right. If he can show Steve that he’s Bucky Barnes, that he’s someone good, maybe one day he’ll believe it himself.
And let it be said… Despite me having an inferiority complex… I’d rather be going “hmmm my process could use a lot more polishing” and improve it than to not even be aware of it needing an improvement and just continuing. Like. Why keep doing the same terrible thing over and over when I can *learn* and improve as a result?
It’s more that I just feel ashamed that my process is so…. Eh. And once I’ve had some sleep, I’ll reevaluate my process and improve it. Because that’s what I always strive to do.
But for now. Inferiority complex mixed with the arrogance of going from being the smartest kid at school to being super duper average at uni, and being suddenly insecure and scared. Except… With writing!
…I don’t understand why people think Steve was emotionally compromised by Bucky (or “blinded by Bucky”) in Civil War. There’s no evidence of it in the plot.
Because, seriously:
Steve said no to the Accords before Bucky even appeared in the movie. His argument centred around how the Accords could exploit the Avengers – Bucky wasn’t even a factor at that point in time.
Steve was in Lagos to stop Rumlow from starting biological warfare. Yes, Rumlow distracted Steve by mentioning Bucky, but the audience knew Rumlow was going to set off the bomb the moment he told his soldiers that he wasn’t going to meet up with them. Steve’s love for Bucky had no involvement in the outcome of this scene, beyond the taunt; the battle had long begun, with civilian casualties already occurring.
When Natasha asked Steve to sign the Accords, Bucky still wasn’t in the picture and Steve still said no. There’s absolutely no evidence of emotional compromise, even though it’s Peggy’s funeral so you expect Steve to be emotional. But he’s not fighting, or arguing, or trying to convince Natasha not to sign. He just says he can’t.
When Steve finds out Bucky is alive, he doesn’t dispute that Bucky bombed the U.N. He says to Natasha “If [Bucky]’s this far gone, I should be the one to bring him in, because I’m the least likely to die trying”. That’s not exactly a statement teeming with emotion. In fact, it’s pretty fucking logical, since Steve broke the Soldier’s trance in CATWS.
Steve stops the government from trying to kill Bucky on sight, but does not stop them from arresting Bucky and doesn’t resist arrest himself. He even tells Bucky ‘this doesn’t have to end in a fight’ in the hopes of peaceful arrest, and shows up to save soldiers’ lives as much as Bucky’s. Steve’s not fighting the government; instead, he asks about a lawyer as they take Bucky away. So, emotionally compromised? Nah.
I’m around all these really cool people who do REALLY cool and creative, fascinating things with their writing. And do it super well.
Like one person gives enough detail that there is detail, but isn’t weighed down in detail and verbosity. One person does THIRD DRAFTS on their writing.
I was in a conversation today and I don’t even have a solid grasp of English, it feels.
And it’s just unsettling because I’m used to being the best writer in the room. Usually ‘cause I’m the ONLY writer in the room. And I’m used to having a relatively solid grasp of things… And I do, but then I see these people who are just… so GOOD at it. And I feel like a kid with a shitty drawing, and they’re like, fucking Da Vinci and Van Gogh.
Much of it is practice. Much of it is about what matters. Some of it is age. Some of it is time. Some of them are literally professional writers, or professional editors.
Like, for me, I don’t do re-writes. But perhaps I should.
I don’t write the whole story and then post it; I post it when I’m about halfway though. And maybe I should wait?
Some of these people are taking their craft and their hobby seriously, and maybe I ought to. I know it’s for fun but it can be fun AND be taken seriously.
I just feel all this internal crisis because I’ve had to question everything I know about kink lately. And everything I know about language.
And it’s all learning. Up until three years ago I didn’t know that you could end a quotation with a full stop. I thought it ALWAYS had to end with a comma or question mark etc. I was never taught you can end it with a full stop.Until my beta three years ago pointed it out.
In my current writing I’m learning how to decrease my abuse of commas which is awesome. I apparently put them where I would pause when I speak; but it makes for clunky reading.
Anyway. Point is… I bet those writers I really look up to don’t freeform write and then post without a proper beta read. They probably do a rewrite or two. And that’s why they are AMAZING. They probably have a clearer understanding of their characters and the things they want to say.
I kind of feel like a kid with ADHD and a bunch of thinky thoughts and just write write write and pray that what comes out isn’t shit.
Anyway. Just. Feeling crappy about my writing but at least I have some ideas on how to improve things.
hannahbelleeeebackup 