I’ve been so very focused on Steve’s reactions to Bucky during the “do you remember me?” exchange, that it’s taken me a while to hone in on Bucky’s reactions to Steve. I hope I’m not committing a faux-pas here by using tumblr’s add-a-gif function for meta/weepy rambling, but LOOK AT THIS:
LOOK AT IT AGAIN. AND AGAIN. AND AGAIN.
The play of emotions across Bucky’s face, just, holy shit – it’s subtle, but it’s everything. He starts out defensive, eyes cast down, mouth tight, hunched in on himself. Yeah, he’s trapped, but he’s also bracing himself. This is a man who’s imagined what seeing Steve again might be like, who has played this moment out over and over again in his head – where he’s been rejected every time.
And then Steve starts talking – doesn’t just say his name, but calls him Buck, with all that warmth and affection. Bucky looks up. His eyes shine; his mouth softens. He’s playing his cards close to his chest, but look at the barely-concealed wonder there. Of all the ways he’s imagined Steve reacting to him – complete and utter acceptance definitely wasn’t one. When you feel ashamed of something – which Bucky, if he’s anything like his comic book counterpart, really, really does – you project that onto the people you love. You picture them hating you for what you’ve done.
I’ve already rambled at length about Bucky’s response to Steve’s question, but I think this might be one of the reasons that Bucky answers in such an intimate way, why he doesn’t just say, “I remember you,” but shows Steve his memories, with that old smirk across his face, like he’s back in that crisp uniform, asking Steve to come out with him for the night. I think this might be one of the reasons that Bucky didn’t want to be found, all that time that Steve was searching.
Bucky never expected Steve to look at him with all that tenderness, to treat him like someone good – he didn’t expect Steve’s love to stay through everything. So yeah, maybe Bucky’s showing off, but it’s because if Steve still thinks he’s worth this, after everything – he’s got to prove Steve right. If he can show Steve that he’s Bucky Barnes, that he’s someone good, maybe one day he’ll believe it himself.
hannahbelleeeebackup 