Saw my Psych today, which was good but exhausting in ways.

word vomit under the cut

I talked about my body issues a bit, and nearly cried. I talked about my fears with Simon. About getting accepted into college. About how my IUD might be causing me serious harm.

He was on board with me getting back to more natural stuff. Like, not in a him pushing it way, but how I’m slowly but surely getting rid of all the hormone and medication crap interfering with me. I’m PRETTY switched on about what is fucking with me. Like… generally I can tell when something is fucking with me, and what it is. And like, for example, ain’t NO WAY I am coming off my Seroquel. The changes that shit has made to me are AMAZING and I’m not even close to ready to come off it. 

I talked about my panic and how I worry I might have PMDD because of how bad my PMS is getting. And he said I really do have to sit with the feelings but like UGH. I’m scared of what feelings might come out of it yanno?

I think my fear is, as always, that I’ll realise I want to leave Simon, or that I should. And whilst some would argue “Hey, Hannah, if you’re so scared to explore those feelings, it’s probably a sign that you SHOULD leave Simon” every time I have sat and explored the feelings more I’ve realised, actually, I want to stay with Simon and that our story is far from over.

I mean, I get weird feelings. Like… I think we’ll get married. I suspect around the time I finish my PhD he’ll change his mind about kids and I’ll be a bit pissed off because I’m FINALLY ready to start my career. And I have this weird sinking feeling he’ll die at around 40. And like, I tend to get oddly specific feelings like that. 

But every time I sit properly and explore my Simon stuff, the realisation that I have at the end of it all… is that I gotta do this. That I want to do this. That I can’t see my life here in Australia beyond August. That the only things keeping me here are an amazing GP, and two friends. Like, that’s no reason to stay. And like, I would still want to go even if Simon and I broke up. Because I made these plans for me. But they happen to be Simon-compatible, not Simon-centric. I sat with myself and thought about what Hannah wanted, and she really wants to do her Masters in Sociology in Texas, yanno? 

And like. Even when I look at the more spiritual aspects of myself, they all point to him for now too. This is what I want.

And ha! The funniest thing? The psych says he thinks I’ll be the stability in Simon’s life. ME. STABLE. 

But I talked to a friend yesterday about living your truth, and I didn’t know what mine was. I felt sad. But I know some truths: research; writing; psychology/sociology; kink in obscure ways; constant change. These are elements of me that remain when everything else changes. And I’m excited that I’m finally starting to live more of my truth. Not all of it, but definitely more than it has ever been. 

I’m scared of Simon’s drinking… I’m scared of what that means for the future… but it’s not for me to tackle. And he’s certainly not ready for it. 

I think we both have this issue where we compare ourselves to people wayyyyy beyond us. Like, people who are nearly 40, or older. And we both go “Damn it, I’m not where they are; I’m a fucking failure” – forgetting that we’re both 27, and they weren’t as good as they were when they were 27. Obviously.

And like. I also fear sharing my victories. And I worry… about my friends… feeling inadequate. Like, I’m going off and doing cool things and am hoping to be a researcher and a writer, and I get scared sharing my victories because I know many of them aren’t in good places, and whilst they’re happy for me, they’re envious. And so… I am slowly shrinking more and more into myself because I feel so silenced, like nobody can or wants to hear anything I have to say.

Because let’s be real, 80% of it’s bullshit. But I swear, there is some value to me… 

IDK. BLAH. BLAH I SAY. I really did just need a word vomit. I used to word vomit several times a day and it was the best thing for me. But… Even here… Even on my safe Tumblr space… I don’t feel safe.