Cw: eating disorder stuff

So I’m a little nervous about my ED coming back. I’ve been slowly but surely losing weight, and eating two meals a day, but they’re not great quality food.

And I’m not even in the healthy weight range yet, but fuck, it all feels so good. Not in the “yay I’m getting healthy go me” way, but in the sick, fucked up “must be skinny, must be good enough, maybe people will like me, let’s see how skinny I can get, let’s see how far I can go” way.

And I’m about to start another medical diet. And I still will be overweight. And so it won’t matter technically.

But it just feels like this wicked, self destructive headrush, and I’ve missed it so badly. I like it. I hate it because I know how nice it feels.

I probably won’t get too far. I always get better. I always quit before I get too sick.

But God. I have missed it. 

I’ve talked to Simon about it. Just as a sign post that these thoughts are back. Because if in three months when he sees me, I cry over yoghurt like I used to, he’ll know when they started sinking back in.

I’m scared to talk to my psych about it. Because I don’t want to stop.

My dear, sweet, lovely friend expressed concern over my medical diet. Asked if it was a control thing.

My eating disorder was never a control thing. It was always a self punishment. I don’t even know what I’m punishing myself for.