So it seems that I might have a sex drive. It’s just really, really hard to access. 

And again, feels a bit broken.

It seems that in order for me to experience lust and genuine arousal, my brain needs to be shut off. And that’s a hard place to be in. Because I don’t truly know what shuts the brain down. Because it’s also not about overstimulating.

But I’ve noticed heavy breathplay seems to get me there. A certain kind of pain gets me there. A certain kind of degradation gets me there.

I talked to M about this a few weeks ago, and he said “yeah, but you were aroused with me” and I had to sheepishly confess… actually… I wasn’t. I lied. I lied, because I knew it was what you wanted. 

And then I realised… I kind of… lie a lot. I give the reactions that I *think* the other person wants. Not all the time. But often enough for me to realise that this is an issue that I’ve got to work on. But am not quite sure how to work on it. 

And then I’ve realised… All the play I do… is about others. And that’s a hard, and fucked up thing to realise too. Because I bet most of those tops think they’re doing me a favour. And they’re trying to give me what *I* want. But… really, I’m just perpetually feeling guilt of others playing with me, and so I try to give them what *they* want, and is it this big endless loop where NEITHER party is getting what they want??? AND NOW I JUST FEEL LIKE THIS MONSTER WHO HAS FAILED EVERY TOP EVER BECAUSE THEY WERE TRYING TO GIVE ME WHAT I WANT AND I SOMETIMES HAVE FAKED IT TO TRY AND GIVE THEM WHAT THEY WANT. 

And this realisation came when the other night, I was trying to have sex. And instead of enjoying the sex, I was thinking “point your toes to make your legs look nice, now run your hands up his back, yes, make a breathy sound here, and bite his neck now” and after I just burst into tears because… even though I’d enjoyed it, I couldn’t shut off the brain.

I’ve talked to my psychs about this in the past. They’ve encouraged mindfulness. Told me to become aware of everything. How the sheets feel. What can I smell. What can I hear. BUT THAT’S A PROBLEM. I get overstimulated super easily, and everything smells wrong, and the feelings are wrong, and the sounds are hard. [in other news, this week we discovered that if I wear earplugs in every day life, my feelings of sensitivity just… ease. I didn’t get irritable, I didn’t feel as anxious. Just simply cutting out the basic sounds such as the aircon, my computer running the whisper of feet crossing the carpet… with all of those gone… I felt like I could breathe easier somehow]. I digress: mindfulness is the OPPOSITE of what I need. 

I need to get out of my head. 

And the thing is, I know I can. This week, through heavy choking I experienced arousal, and peace in my mind for the first time in a while. Last year when I was in Melbourne, I did three amazing rope scenes over the course of a weekend, that had me 110% in the moment, and it was so beautiful, and… 

I just feel like the more I explore my mind, my sexuality, my peace… the more broken and lost and confused I feel.